“A Giant Snake” (My Kundalini Awakening)

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“A Giant Snake” (My Kundalini Awakening)

Explorations of sensuality and growth in relationship

So much is being written on the subject of men and women. On the subject of the relationship between the sexes. On the subject of sexuality and sensuality. And on the subject of questioning gender similarities, differences and culturally patterned ways of education. Many among us are searching for new ways of relating to ourselves, to the world around us and to one another. A lot of the old structures (such as monogamy) are being examined. We are living in a time of big change and transformation, and only through exploration and experience can we discover what feels good and what wants to be re-created through us. As a woman who has been living on this planet in her current physical body for 32 years now and who has had many life experiences, I finally feel ready to write about the subject of sexuality and relationships. I’ve been unconsciously ignoring writing about this subject for quite some time now, but this morning, a very clear impulse of inspiration came to me – so I will give it a try, especially because it means: stepping out of my own comfort zone (and I am in for a new challenge!)..

In my previous blog, I wrote about the importance of coming together and sit in circles. With women. With men. With both women and men. A few weeks ago, I was telling a man I met in Bali exact the same thing. He asked me: “Then what would you do with the transgendered ones among us?” Well, they can sit wherever they feel most comfortable. If they feel more related to men, they can sit with men. If they feel more related to women, they can sit with women. I will not go deeper into this subject though. Because I want to talk about men. Real men. The men I meet and talk to. The men who feel like men. The men who are still outgrowing their young boy bodies men. The men who teach and shake me. The men who are being taught and shaken by me. Often, men have been a distraction in my life. At other times, they were an attraction. Most of the times, they were both. Or everything in between. So much can be said about the topic of relationship and sensuality. But the subject might be clear by now. Men.

And thus: women. Given the fact that we can all agree to some degree that “this is a man’s world”, as James Brown so beautifully sang, “it would be nothing, truly nothing without a woman or a girl.” None of the male (nor female) bodies would be walking around on this planet without the mothers that birthed them. Talking about men implies talking about the moment I truly opened up to relating to men. The moment I discovered my own femininity and sensual/sexual being in this world. The moment I was no longer a young girl, but became more aware of my own womanhood. The moment I realized I had a female body that was birthed to be met in her full orgastic potential. I will call it my moment of Kundalini Awakening, referring to how the yogic philosophy describes it (Kundalin in Sanskrit meaning “circular”). Because that’s the moment I fully became aware of the presence of men in my life, and of my relationship to them.

I was standing on top of a huge cliff, with a view over the ocean. As I looked down, I saw two giant snakes swirling and playing in the ocean miles below my feet. I could hear my friend warning me to be careful. But these giant creatures were so far away from me. What could go wrong? All of a sudden I saw one of the snakes rising up. And up. I hid away behind a rock. The rock became soft. The snake entered my body.

I woke up in one sudden and shaky motion with a very clear knowing: “I have a snake in my body!” This dream occurred to me about six years ago, before I was about to set foot on India for the first time. Before I started venturing through a for me unknown and foreign place. Before I had ever even heard of something called kundalini energy or had ever done any yoga in my life. The snake became my guide on this first big trip. I ran into snakes everywhere and ended up learning the snake dance with the Kalbeliya gypsy dancers in Rajastan. I met men, but was still being seduced by them. Many of them I couldn’t trust. I ended up spending the night with an Indian guy and asking him to leave in the middle of the night. I became misled by a snake charmer, and was smart enough not to follow him to his room. The seduction of the snake can be a very dangerous game to play, and I  had to get to know how to control her in a gentle yet clear way.

After my first journey to India, I continued living my life the way I had lived it before. But the passion for love and sexuality had awoken in me. My kundalini energy wasn’t fully floating yet, but I had taken the first step. The Hindu scriptures describe Kundalini as lying “coiled” at the base of the spine, represented as either a goddess or sleeping serpent waiting to be awakened. In modern commentaries, Kundalini has been called an unconscious, instinctive or libidinal force. It wasn’t until four years ago, after my father passed away, that I re-connected to my inner snake body. My life changed after an unexpected approval of my application for a week-long workshop called “Dream Dance” – held at the magical retreat center of Esalen Institute in Big Sur. I decided to travel for three months, delegated the work that I had planned to do, and left for California.

The workshop “Dream Dance” was a combination of Jungian dream/Gestalt work and a dance form called The Five Rhythms. Esalen is located at the beautiful coast line of Big Sur where the Santa Lucia Mountains rise abruptly from the Pacific Ocean. Shortly after my arrival at Esalen, I woke up one morning only to realize that I had arrived at the exact place of my dream: a giant cliff with down below the ocean. That week, I danced and moved with my snake dream. I entered the movements of the snake, became the ocean, the cliff and the rocks, and received many messages and insights. I learned that to be careful means: to be full of care. I learned that the snake inside of me truly wanted to be heard and expressed. I learned that the beauty inside of me needed to be shared. That I needed to let go of my old self, in order to rediscover myself anew – like a snake shedding skin. In short: I became aware of my own, previously sleeping, sensual energy and had a very clear Kundalini Awakening.

One evening, I was soaking in one of the outside hot tubs overlooking the cliffs of Big Sur, watching the stars and hearing the waves hitting against the rocks. A very attractive and sweet male dancer was sitting next to me. We were talking a bit, and enjoying the wonderful scenery. At a certain moment, he asked me if he could touch my hand. I softly entrusted him with my hand, and he gently started caressing it. What happened there and then was pure magic for me. With only one stroke, it felt as if every cell in my body cracked wide open. My entire body exploded. My inner fire bursted into flames. I became everything around me and everything around me became me. I became one with all that is and ever will be. Nothing stayed hidden for this energy. All of the old ideas and limitations that I had put upon myself (notions of being unworthy and not beautiful enough), had to surrender to the flames. It felt as if all of the energy that I had kept to myself, that I had tried to hide or shut down, all of a sudden opened up, to never be closed on me again.

After this experience, the most beautiful men started approaching and seducing me. Men with such persuasiveness that I was surprised they even fancied me. I had changed. And I started opening up to exploring this energy. The path of sensual awakening had chosen me, so I had no other option but to surrender to it. Many times, it was very confusing for me. This energy was so wild and powerful, that I wasn’t able to direct it. That I didn’t know what to do with it. That I sometimes couldn’t sleep because it was floating so abundantly. I had no idea what was happening to me, but was fortunate enough to meet people who helped me use it in creative ways. I started exploring my relationship to men in many different ways. I became curious of different exchanges, and wanted to learn what this energy could bring me.

I met many more men and every experience was very different. My curiosity would drive me into the dangerous games of seduction, and I was luckily always protected by my guides and friends. I traveled with one woman and her family for a month through Mexico, and she is still one of my best friends and teachers. She taught me about sexuality purely by being herself. She showed me what it means to be a tantrica and helped me become aware of my own powers. Up until this day, she knows about every man that I have met. When I fall in love, I show her a picture and she will look into his eyes. She will ask me if he will be able to take care of me. If he will be able to support me. She protects me when I experience yet another heart pain. And she gives me advice when I meet a man who leads me away from my soul’s path and dedication.

When I was 18 years old, a friend once told me: “Caroline, it is attractive to be hard to get. But you are too hard to get. No one can approach you.” I used to be so scared to open my heart. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to let anyone in into my castle. I built up strong and big walls. Until I met a man who helped me break them down. Purely by loving me, he helped me love myself more. He helped me open up more. During the past few years – after my Kundalini awakening, my heart was so open at times, that I wasn’t protecting myself anymore. That I would fully give myself to the other, and would even force myself upon the other. I now see how I have scared men away from me. Because I wanted to be loved so badly. I was going outward and holding on to their love. I wanted them to love me. Or I wanted me to love them. Please, love me and stay with me. I have so much love to give. Please, accept my love. At the same time, I didn’t trust men. I became angry with men because I didn’t want them to play the game of push and pull with me. I didn’t want to be attracted and then pushed away again. But I was doing the same. I wasn’t being clear with myself. So how could I be clear with the other?

Throughout the years, I learned to stop directing my energy onto someone or something else. A sexual or sensual energy can be used in many different ways. It can be used to create. It is the power of creation, it is the life force, and it floats unlimited. At the same time, it doesn’t have to be shared with just any random person. It wants to be taken care of, it needs to be protected. What I had to learn as well, is how to continue staying open and at the same time be able to distinguish between what is good for me and what isn’t. Some men immediately want something from me. They will tell me I am the problem if I don’t give them what they want. Or I will blame them for not giving me what I want. I see so many people struggling with their partner, sticking together because they think they are growing. At times, that might be true. I truly believe it’s important to stay with both the beauty and the pain. To continue showing up. But I also came to realize that it is important to distinguish good from bad. In the current New Age culture, this capacity of making distinctions is sometimes far from reach. We think that growing needs to happen in pain – all the time. We look at ourselves and think we need to become better. And better. So we become attached to the pain and the struggle of growing. Until we realize: life can be sweet. I am already amazing. All is well.

After my last serious break-up, I ended up doing only one thing: asking for peace in my heart. I started reading Marianne Williamson’s “A return to love”, and kept asking for miracles. From the moment I started experiencing peace in my heart, all of the other experiences started fading to the background. Then it didn’t matter as much whether he loved me back or not. Or whether he had ever loved me or not. Because I experienced peace in my heart. I felt at peace. In my heart. I remember reading that, after one of her friends said that most men can’t commit, Marianne responded: “The problem is not that most men cannot commit, the problem is that you start a relationship with these men.” This sentence gave me a very strong clue of what had happened to me as well. I didn’t trust men because I couldn’t make clear boundaries. I couldn’t commit myself to hold a sacred and safe space for myself, and kept on attracting men who couldn’t fully commit either. I was afraid of being abandoned, of being left for another. And I have been left for another, and I have left, several times. Time and time again I discovered that no one or nothing could abandon me, if I would not abandon myself.

The past few months, I have been creating much more clarity in the sayings of my YES. I have learned to say YES to NO, which is one of most powerful and helpful tools in any relationship. Many times, we are scared of saying NO, because there might not be another chance. Another man. Another possibility. We might make the wrong choice. But these are ideas that house in our heads and are purely based upon limitations. It felt very scary for me to truly and sincerely say NO to these old patterns of relating. Of making myself smaller simply to be or feel loved. Of giving myself away purely because I thought the other was stronger or wiser than me. Living life and being in relationship opens us up to the bones. It can shred us to pieces. It can bring up all of the old wounds that are still hiding inside of us. I keep going through both the beauty and the terror that is living inside of me. And by clearly saying YES to NO, I discovered that I am also ready to say YES to YES!